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OAKBROOK TERRACE, IL—In an effort to provide customers with the most affordable and convenient sexually explicit entertainment, Redbox on Friday debuted a new touchscreen on the back side of the automated kiosk for renting pornographic features.WASHINGTON—Warning that a successful launch would constitute a grave threat to American population centers from coast to coast, leading analysts confirmed Wednesday that South Korea is currently developing a new pop group capable of reaching the United States.

First thing, I could never love you You sound like richy bitch yo, fuck you But if I did, I'd probably show you that I care By takin' all these other motherfuckers outta here I'd go through your phone book and wack 'em all Then find contestant number 1 and break his fuckin' jaw (What?

) Anyone who looked at you would have to pay I'd be blowin' fuckin nuggets off all day I'd grab your titties and stretch 'em down past your waist Let 'em go and watch 'em both spring up in your face I'd sing love songs to ya the best I can, get ya naked And hit it like a cave man Then we go to the beach and walk through the sand I throw a little in your face and say I'm just playin' As you spit it all out I rub your back and grab Your underwear and wedge it up your ass crack Well, it sounds like contestant number 2 is just overflowing With sensitivity, Sharon, it's a tough choice so far Sharon, let's have your last question and see Which one is gonna win the rights to your neden Okay, if we were at a dance club and you both noticed me At the same time, tell me, how would you each Get my attention and what would your pick up line be Whoever's the smoothest wins Okay, first I'd slide up to the bar and tell you That I can't believe how fucking fat you are I'd tell you that I like the way you make your titties shake And if you lost a little weight you'd look like Rikki Lake Fuck that, you'd be jackin' me quick I'd order you a drink and stir it with my dick And then to get your attention in a crowded place I'd simply walk up and stick my nuts in your face Yeah, freak her with your nuts, yo that'll get her Tell her that she's fat, yeah that'll work even better Look, fuck you, I got a strong rap shit you don't want He's mad whack, I walked into a bar and there he was Standing on a bucket tryin' to fuck it It was a big fucking smelly ass farm llama Damn dawg, how ya gonna dis your mama?

NEW YORK—Saying the ghastly imitations were sadly not entirely surprising, sources told reporters Tuesday that a widely viewed documentary about a brutal murder had inspired a string of numerous copycat documentaries.

ROCHESTER, MI—Hip-hop artist Marshall Mathers, a.k.a. Eminem, said he was left wholly terrified today after meeting his daughter Hailie’s new boyfriend Justin Denham, an 18-year-old who was reportedly raised on the rapper’s music.

Here’s what fans can expect to see in the upcoming release.

FULLERTON, CA—Having grown up seeing few characters he could relate to on the big screen, local man Jake Champney, who once jumped a motorcycle onto a hijacked bullet train, told reporters Tuesday that he never thought he’d see the day when Hollywood would tell stories like his.

She’s educated, talented, and beautiful—a public figure that’s doing a terrific job on a really popular show called . She deserves to have so many people giving her positive attention and props. Jacoby: It’s not disrespect if someone else finds your significant other attractive. It would be disrespect if he name-checked you or if he acknowledged that the two of you were dating but still said the things he said. Jacoby: The translation, if you translate Eminem to English, it’s ' Hey, I find this woman on television attractive.' If you read the transcription, you’re like, ' Whoa, this is, um, this is extra.' But the translation from Eminem to English is ' That’s a very attractive woman on television.' Rose: Well said. So I did click on it and I did listen to it all the way through and then I did press rewind a couple of times.

Featuring nearly two dozen songs, it's not hard to see the influences of his exes, J. From “Blem”: I need you to stop runnin' back to your ex, he’s a wasteman I wanna know, how come we can never slash and stay friends?

Fortunately, it didn't take Twitter long to figure out the lyric doesn't actually exist anywhere on the album.

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